


to keep you alive

by deereyes



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Eating Disorders, Fluff, Ghosts, Implied OCD, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Language of Flowers, M/M, Songfic, Supernatural Elements, based on ghosts by on an on, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-18
Updated: 2018-09-18
Packaged: 2019-07-13 21:34:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,763
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16026404
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deereyes/pseuds/deereyes
Summary: renjun saw the world in bouquets and jaemin's was the most beautiful of them all





	to keep you alive

**Author's Note:**

> hi this is just a vent fic i wrote while listening to on an on and crying lul  
> anyways listen to ghosts by on an on!! its a bop  
> also this fic is super triggering so uhh don't read if it'll hurt you pls  
> also the meaning of the flowers mentioned is p important to see renjun's view on things ;))

it was exhausting, really, to live like renjun.

white lilies and chrysanthemums blooming inside of his head and a noose of baby’s breath around his neck. every time he struggled to break free the roots in his chest grew tighter, tighter. he liked flowers, often writing about which friend he associated with what type. it made him feel a small joy.

_delphinium._

jeno was yellow tulips, mark was sweetbrier, kun was sunflowers, donghyuck was lily of the valley, jaemin was hibiscus, sicheng was moonflowers, chenle was angrec, jisung was hollyhock.

well, those were really his only friends. he didn’t have too many, but he was fine with it. not many people were up to the task of being close with him. 

he had older boys who he knew through kun and sicheng (yukhei was light pink roses, taeyong was snowdrop, youngho was gladiolus, jungwoo was crocus, doyoung was white heather, yuta was camellia, ten was mayflower), but he didn’t really consider them his bestest friends. they tried their best to be good examples and brothers to him, but that didn’t stop him from finding out about their not-so-good sides (ten and taeyong were dancers at the seedy club downtown, jungwoo fucked older men to feel loved, yuta and youngho did random drugs and have had multiple run-ins with the cops, yukhei had a drinking problem, and doyoung simply smoked his marlboros and watched them crumble).

but hey, no one’s perfect. renjun surely wasn’t. he didn’t really like sweets, he ran away from home (but his parents never bothered to go looking for him or even fucking call to make sure he’s okay), he didn’t have a lot of energy to often meet up with his friends, he cut himself with the disposable razors you can buy at the drug store, he stayed up til 8 am almost every night, he didn’t like sports, etc. he could go on and on about his flaws, but knew most people didn’t want to hear him rant about how he felt like his soul was withering and that he wanted to scream but his throat was too filled with amaranth to even speak. if renjun had to say something positive about himself, it would be that he knew when to keep his mouth shut.

“renjun?”

“yeah?” renjun looked up from his spot on the couch, not realizing he was staring at the floor again. 

“you weren’t really here, are you okay?” kun was at the table a few feet away from him, working on his assignment for physics. renjun didn’t want to bother him.

“i’m fine!” renjun smiled, meeting kun’s eyes. “just dozing.”

he felt kun’s worried gaze on him but paid no mind, he had bigger things to worry about. like if he was actually going to go to donghyuck’s on friday to rewatch marble hornets and do tarot readings like they planned. 

renjun didn’t really want to leave kun’s apartment, but he was obliged to, wasn’t he? donghyuck came over so, so many times and renjun’s only been to his house maybe 3 times. he should keep donghyuck from making another 20 minute drive.

ah, he was dozing again.

_white poppy._

in renjun’s head, fog was starting to surround his garden, signs of october weather beginning to show in the late hours of the night. it was halloween soon, maybe he should call jeno and mark and see if they wanted to meet up at the graveyard with him and donghyuck like they talked about a few weeks ago. that would be fun.

many things seemed fun to him, but leading up to the event he only felt anxiety tearing through the roots and weaving vines into his lungs instead. he could barely breathe, so he just stayed in his room until it went away and maybe talk to jaemin if the other shows up. it sucked for him and everyone around him, but his friends somehow decided to stick around regardless.

maybe they loved his unending belief in ghosts and aliens, maybe they loved the little charms he made for them, maybe they just wanted a gentle person to be around. renjun didn’t care what they wanted, he just didn’t want to be alone.

renjun loved his friends.

_mullein._

renjun stood up, stretching his back and seeing stars for a moment. he put a hand against the wall next to him, steadying himself. he felt a little too empty.

“junnie?” he heard kun call to him again, “have you eaten at all today?” kun was speaking in rapid-fire mandarin, a tell tale sign that he was worried.

renjun shook his head, feeling his stomach grumble. “i’m fine, though. not really hungry.” _that was a lie, he was starving._

kun stood up, taking some noodles that he saved from his lunch earlier with jungwoo and yukhei out of the fridge. “don’t think i didn’t hear that,” the older shook his head, “you’re eating, renjun.”

renjun sighed and walked to the table. “alright.”

when kun finished reheating the food and placing the bowl in front of renjun, renjun ate in silence, occasionally looking at his phone when his group chat with his friends around his age was being filled with messages about their days and chenle’s wild stories about his trip back home to shanghai. he scrolled through the texts in a daze, feeling the noodles settle heavily in his stomach (if he had the energy and time, he would throw them up; but there was a strong chance that jaemin would show up at 2:30 am, so he needed to be timely).

_heliotrope._

it was 1:57 am. 

after he was done, he pushed the bowl in front of him and placed a hand on his stomach. “jesus, i never thought i’d finish that.”

kun rolled his eyes. “that was half of the full portion, you big baby.” he could see right through him, eyes still full of concern. renjun was in a bad place, alright.

renjun giggled, although it sounded a little hollow. his baggy sweatshirt hid his shrinking frame, not eating becoming a new way to harm himself without having to deal with blood in the sink and his friends’ disappointment. 

well, all of his friends besides jaemin. jaemin understood him. 

_hyacinth._

renjun stood up again, this time a little less dizzy. he couldn’t help but to feel a little disappointed in himself. “i’m gonna go to my room. night, gege.” 

kun nodded, resuming his studies. “sleep well.”

he made his way to his bedroom, pulling up the blinds and letting the moonlight into his room, then ollapsing onto his medium-sized bed and curling up under the covers. renjun liked being warm. warmth reminded him that he was alive, reminded him of the blood in his veins, his heart beating in his chest, he was real. 

renjun was real.

time seemed to fly by quickly as renjun played on his phone under the covers. it was now 2:15, and renjun heard a noise in his room. a little bump and the swoosh of curtains. renjun grinned, he stayed alive for these moments.

“renjun?” 

renjun peeked out from his blanket fortress, smiling as he met dull brown eyes. he saw the familiar thin figure of his friend, clad in a dark red t shirt and black pants, the bruises on his knuckles and deep scars on the inside of his elbows always felt so welcoming. “jaemin!” he jumped out of bed to hug him, wrapping his arms around jaemin’s waist. he could feel jaemin return the affection, smiling into his hair.

they held each other for a bit, but renjun was the one to pull away first this time, smiling at him and pressing a kiss to jaemin’s cheek. “it’s been a while, huh?” they’ve known each other for 2 years now, but two weeks is the longest jaemin’s gone without showing up.

jaemin looked away, shyly putting a hand on the back of his neck. “you were usually asleep or just couldn’t see me. didn’t have enough energy for a full appearance, y’know?” he looked back into renjun’s eyes. “but i’m here now!” 

renjun grabbed a pale hand and sat jaemin next to him on the bed. “nana, i have so much to show you.” he pulled out his booklet of polaroids he took of him and his friends, pretty things he saw, and just things he found interesting. jaemin was always attentive to how the world worked now, he said renjun made it seem more special. 

renjun flipped to the page right after the ones he showed when he last saw jaemin and put the book in their laps.the first picture was of a magenta flower renjun saw in chenle’s garden. 

“woah, that’s gorgeous!” jaemin exclaimed, running his finger along the photo. “what kind is that?”

renjun smiled at him as the other stared at the little polaroid. “it’s a zinnia. it means everlasting affection.”

jaemin giggled, slipping his hand back into renjun’s. “that’s so cool, dude.”

renjun looked at him questioningly. “what is?”

“that you know all the meanings of so many flowers and plants, i wish i had something like that i was interested in. besides you, of course.” jaemin smirked at the blush that spread across renjun’s cheeks, laughing as renjun tried to hide his face with his free hand. 

there it was, the warmth that renjun desperately needed to feel anything at all. jaemin’s cold skin and cashmere words always made him heat up.

the next hour went the same; renjun showing jaemin photos of the city, signs with aliens on them, and things he just thought were neat. he wanted to give jaemin a little taste of life, after all, he was the only one jaemin talked to. 

he didn’t want to waste any of his limited time on anyone else.

their sitting position changed to them laying on their backs, hands still clasped together between them. renjun had his head leaning against his shoulder, so he could tell jaemin was getting distracted. 

jaemin looked around renjun’s room. “oh wow, you have a computer in here now?” 

renjun laughed, “yeah, it’s just a laptop-”

jaemin shot up like an excited puppy, running to the device. “this is so cool!” 

renjun just looked down at the book. maybe it was a good thing jaemin lost focus, so he wouldn’t have to see what renjun found.

a grave surrounded by azalea, carnations placed in front of the stone.

_here lies na jaemin_   
_your smile will forever live on with us_   
_august 13, 1989 - february 12, 2007_

**Author's Note:**

> if u actually took time to look up the flower meanings i love u  
> i hope u liked it!! my twitter is @hanbinlix if u wanna yell in my curiouscat or just follow me


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